How to Save A Life...

 I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel..."

These lines from the Papa Roach song "Scars" have always rang true to me.  Because I definitely care too much. I have always had the tendency to want to fix people, which is kind of interesting since until recently I couldn't even fix myself.  But now, I am no longer a fragile broken doll...  However, I still tend to think I am superman and want to save the world... or at least people

      My best friend is hurting.  I never really realized how bad she is hurting until tonight.   I was talking to her about my boyfriend and she can't understand why I feel the way I feel.  It actually hurt me... because she's my best friend, and I want her to be happy for me.  But she kept saying she didn't want me to get hurt.  The thing is, he can't hurt me.  He won't hurt me.  He cares about me, as is evident by how much time and attention he gives me.  I feel extremely happy to call him mine.  

     So, I was talking to him about what my roomate had said, and he started discussing the issue with me.  And as he talked I realized that everything he was saying is true...  She's depressed.  And by depressed I mean extremely sad and distant.  She used to have a lot of friends, and actually did things.   But now it's like all she wants to do is stay home, and has kind of given up.  I am at my wits end trying to figure out what to do.  I'm not going to apologize for being in love and happy, because I deserve it.   But how do you save a life?   How do you help somebody realize just how special and amazing they are when they can't see even a glimmer of hope or goodness in the world.  

     I'm extremely happy and thank God every day for the circumstances and lessons that have got me to where I am today.   The thing is, that I lived THROUGH them... and didnt let it consume me.  I was where she is now... a loner who hated myself and thought that I was worthless...  But the trick is to realize that you;re not worthless, and that if you were not here, the world would be a little dull and colder.

   I'm so glad to be where I am in life, with a man that truly cares about me.  With him I can conquer the world, and we are both so invested with this relationship, which amazes and inspires me.  He inspires me... to be a better man, to have hope in the world, and most of all, he reminds me that it is possible to have a second chance, and that I am worthy of being loved...  I just wish everyone realized how precious life is...


So to my best friend, I think these following words apply...

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand


I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life




 

Reflections...

     Tonight I was talking to a new friend of mine online and somehow we started talking about my mom.  This conversation got me to thinking, which happens a lot.  Life has been interesting lately, and there are some really big changes happening for me.  It's like the world is in the palm of my hand, and it's up to me to not fuck it up! The baggage of the past is finally gone, and I'm glad for the decisions that I have made.  I'm in a place in my life where I actually love myself.  Not in a "oh god i'm this amazing perfect person that knows everything"  kind of way.  It's more like I realize I have strengths and weaknesses, and a lot of flaws, but I am okay with all of that.  it all helps define who I am. Somedays I look in the mirror, and I don't recognize the guy staring back... When did I become this guy?  It's not a bad thing, just a bit surreal.

     Whenever something good happens in my life I wish she was here to see it.  I like to think that she would be proud of me, of the man that I have become.  I know I've made some really disastrous decisions, but those mistakes are necessary.    They have been life lessons that have taught me that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I ever give myself credit for, and that I am capable of amazing things once I set my mind to it. 

      Every day I write in my personal journal, and always write down at least one thing I am grateful for.  Sometimes that's all I write but still it keeps me grounded, reminds me that even when life sucks that something good happens every day.  Tonight I have a lot to be grateful for.   I'm grateful for my mother, who taught me that you don't need to depend on anyone else to make you happy, and that if you want something bad enough then fight for it.  She may not be here with me in person, but her legacy lives on.   I'm grateful to E, who taught me that I deserve somebody in my life that is way better and treats me nicer than he ever did.  I'm grateful to the friends that saw who I was even before I realized it myself... for the courage I had to basically start life all over and move on from the negativity.  But most of all, I'm grateful for the opportunity to live each day... and maybe one day I will find somebody who loves me like I need...

JBR

If you can't sleep, laugh

It's almost 2am on Tuesday morning, and I can't sleep... so I figured I would post something that makes me laugh... If you know me, you know that I actually like Ke$ha, mainly cause she's kind of a mess LOL.  Anyways, this video is a translation of the lyrics to her song "tik-Tok", from an extremely funny comedienne named Glozell.  So if you have never watched her, go to youtube Now and look her up because she always makes me smile...

Oh and P.S. I will be posting a real blog entry later today, because I have to tell all about the insanity that was my Christmas weekend on the ranch...   J

don't want no paper gangsta...

Sunday afternoon was interesting. I was on lunch at work, and got into a conversation with one of my friends. Basically he was whining about how he isn't totally happy in his relationship, but that he puts up with being halfway happy anyways. The reason? He said that he's too scared to be alone. This of course made me think about how often we settle for something less than great because of our fears? For a long time I settled. I was in pseudo-relationships with people I don't even think I liked, and why? because I was afraid of being alone...

Now I look back and it's odd to me that I was ever that person... the guy that was so insecure and afraid of himself that he couldn't be alone. Don't get me wrong, I would love to find somebody to give my heart to that loves me as much as I love them, but I'm not going to fall apart if it doesn't happen anytime soon. I may be alone, but I am far from lonely. I go out on dates, but I have rules I live by, because I don't want to get hurt again. And it also helps that I have a strong support system... I'm lucky enough to have awesome friends that make me realize just how amazing I am. And for that I am grateful!

So tonight I was supposed to have dinner with Doctor Hottie, aka the guy that I met last week on my day off when I was running in the park and looked like hell. But he got called in and had to cancel. We rescheduled for breakfast tomorrow morning, but honestly I don't really see it going anywhere. Maybe I've become TOO picky? I just don't want to waste so long on somebody that isn't willing to give as much love to me as I give to them. I'm not willing to accept mediocrity when I know that I am a complex, and slightly crazy man that needs somebody that gets me...

And once again I'm rambling because it's after 1 am and my brain is toast. So hopefully my earlier poetry post wasn't too painful, and I will be back tomorrow with an update on Monday... I hate mondays... seriously

Some people should never write poetry...

So I am wide awake and felt like writing...  Mental note, never EVER let me write poetry ever again!  This is the best of the worst... they get really lame lol.  But thought I would share at least one of my horrible poems, further proof that jake is so not a writer!



Two eyes blue

Staring into

Two eyes grey

Confusion set in


Closer together

Until lips met

Fear vanishes

Passion moves in


World just flew by

And the rain poured down

Cities fell

And they were none the wiser


Trapped in that sweet embrace

The butterfly softness

The spring morning of it all

The skies disappeared


For all that mattered

All that life was about

All the hope they would ever ask for

Was found in the first kiss

Eye of The Beholder...

       Today I was thinking about perception, and how we may not realize the image that we are presenting to the rest of the world.  I recently got told by a friend that when they first met me, they thought I was vain, self absorbed, and stuck up.  Now I will fully admit that yes I can be self-absorbed.  And I'm definitely guilty of my fair share of vanity... However, I really don't see myself as being snobbish or stuck up.  I definitely don't think I have a superiority complex.  So, I asked the friend to explain her observations.  And she responded, "Well you never really talked much and were always doing your own thing, keeping to yourself..."  

           The thing is, that I met this friend at work.  And when I first started work, I spent a lot of time learning my job, trying to absorb as much as I could.  My reasoning was that knowledge is power, and I wanted to be the very best that I could be at my job.  So of course it could seem like I was always doing my own thing, because I was.   And the other thing is that in certain situations, I can be fairly shy.  Get me in a club and I will be the first person out there dancing with no shirt, and talking to every guy there... but at work I feel kind of out of my element, and I'm always afraid that I'm gonna fuck up.  Eventually I made friends at my current job, and now to an extent they know the real Jake... (and to one of the three co-workers that reads this... no I do not make out with hot guys in the empty conference rooms... it was only that one time!)  But honestly in the beginning I was just really shy.  So I wonder how often I judge a book by its cover.  I know that I am just as guilty of this as the next person.

       For example, there is this girl that works with me that is GORGEOUS!!!!  You know the type, long legs, flawless skin, perfect hair.  And... she dresses like a stripper.  A well paid stripper, but still a stripper.  Now most people would look at her and assume that she's a tramp, or an idiot.  But I've got to know her some, and she is so sweet, so caring, and she's currently in law school.  And not a tramp or a stripper.  So once again you never can be sure how you come across to others.  At the end of the day I've learned to accept that I am kind of complex.  I'm hyper, moody, temperamental, opinionated, sensitive, emotional, exhausting... but I'm me, and I'm okay with that.

Attention whores...

     To some degree, I think that all of us want attention.  This attention can be earned in many different ways... Maybe it's the extra time that we take on our appearance.  For example, I am insane about my skincare routine and my hair...especially the hair.  One of my friends jokes that my hair is its own entity, that it kinda defines me.  And to a point I guess that may be true.  My point is that I take time with the hair, and with the clothes I wear.  I like to be put together I suppose.  And even when I show up in jeans and a t-shirt, you can bet that it wasn't just a simple accidental choice, that I actually spent time choosing which shirt to wear, what accessories to include, hell what shoes work right.  For me, part of the reason is that when I look good, I feel better about myself.  There is something about looking in the mirror and not hating how I look today that gives me confidence, that makes me feel like I can take on the world!  Another part of the reason is that it gets me attention.   Whether it's somebody telling me I look good, or another person asking who does my hair and eyebrows... it's still attention.

          Sometimes though, it kind of amazes me the lengths that some people will go to in order to get attention. There is this girl I know, who is one of the sweetest people that I have ever met, except for the fact that she acts like an idiot.  She basically portrays herself as this "dumb blonde" type, even though I have seen the real her, and know that it is not who she is.  It kind of makes me sad for her, because she doesn't have enough self worth to realize that the real her is an amazing strong woman.  So, because she doesn't realize this, she keeps up with this charade, and it get's the boy's attention.  And lets face it, even negative attention is still a reaction.  And at the end of the day maybe we really do just want people to notice us...