Reflections...

     Tonight I was talking to a new friend of mine online and somehow we started talking about my mom.  This conversation got me to thinking, which happens a lot.  Life has been interesting lately, and there are some really big changes happening for me.  It's like the world is in the palm of my hand, and it's up to me to not fuck it up! The baggage of the past is finally gone, and I'm glad for the decisions that I have made.  I'm in a place in my life where I actually love myself.  Not in a "oh god i'm this amazing perfect person that knows everything"  kind of way.  It's more like I realize I have strengths and weaknesses, and a lot of flaws, but I am okay with all of that.  it all helps define who I am. Somedays I look in the mirror, and I don't recognize the guy staring back... When did I become this guy?  It's not a bad thing, just a bit surreal.

     Whenever something good happens in my life I wish she was here to see it.  I like to think that she would be proud of me, of the man that I have become.  I know I've made some really disastrous decisions, but those mistakes are necessary.    They have been life lessons that have taught me that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I ever give myself credit for, and that I am capable of amazing things once I set my mind to it. 

      Every day I write in my personal journal, and always write down at least one thing I am grateful for.  Sometimes that's all I write but still it keeps me grounded, reminds me that even when life sucks that something good happens every day.  Tonight I have a lot to be grateful for.   I'm grateful for my mother, who taught me that you don't need to depend on anyone else to make you happy, and that if you want something bad enough then fight for it.  She may not be here with me in person, but her legacy lives on.   I'm grateful to E, who taught me that I deserve somebody in my life that is way better and treats me nicer than he ever did.  I'm grateful to the friends that saw who I was even before I realized it myself... for the courage I had to basically start life all over and move on from the negativity.  But most of all, I'm grateful for the opportunity to live each day... and maybe one day I will find somebody who loves me like I need...

JBR