How to Save A Life...

 I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel..."

These lines from the Papa Roach song "Scars" have always rang true to me.  Because I definitely care too much. I have always had the tendency to want to fix people, which is kind of interesting since until recently I couldn't even fix myself.  But now, I am no longer a fragile broken doll...  However, I still tend to think I am superman and want to save the world... or at least people

      My best friend is hurting.  I never really realized how bad she is hurting until tonight.   I was talking to her about my boyfriend and she can't understand why I feel the way I feel.  It actually hurt me... because she's my best friend, and I want her to be happy for me.  But she kept saying she didn't want me to get hurt.  The thing is, he can't hurt me.  He won't hurt me.  He cares about me, as is evident by how much time and attention he gives me.  I feel extremely happy to call him mine.  

     So, I was talking to him about what my roomate had said, and he started discussing the issue with me.  And as he talked I realized that everything he was saying is true...  She's depressed.  And by depressed I mean extremely sad and distant.  She used to have a lot of friends, and actually did things.   But now it's like all she wants to do is stay home, and has kind of given up.  I am at my wits end trying to figure out what to do.  I'm not going to apologize for being in love and happy, because I deserve it.   But how do you save a life?   How do you help somebody realize just how special and amazing they are when they can't see even a glimmer of hope or goodness in the world.  

     I'm extremely happy and thank God every day for the circumstances and lessons that have got me to where I am today.   The thing is, that I lived THROUGH them... and didnt let it consume me.  I was where she is now... a loner who hated myself and thought that I was worthless...  But the trick is to realize that you;re not worthless, and that if you were not here, the world would be a little dull and colder.

   I'm so glad to be where I am in life, with a man that truly cares about me.  With him I can conquer the world, and we are both so invested with this relationship, which amazes and inspires me.  He inspires me... to be a better man, to have hope in the world, and most of all, he reminds me that it is possible to have a second chance, and that I am worthy of being loved...  I just wish everyone realized how precious life is...


So to my best friend, I think these following words apply...

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand


I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life




 

Reflections...

     Tonight I was talking to a new friend of mine online and somehow we started talking about my mom.  This conversation got me to thinking, which happens a lot.  Life has been interesting lately, and there are some really big changes happening for me.  It's like the world is in the palm of my hand, and it's up to me to not fuck it up! The baggage of the past is finally gone, and I'm glad for the decisions that I have made.  I'm in a place in my life where I actually love myself.  Not in a "oh god i'm this amazing perfect person that knows everything"  kind of way.  It's more like I realize I have strengths and weaknesses, and a lot of flaws, but I am okay with all of that.  it all helps define who I am. Somedays I look in the mirror, and I don't recognize the guy staring back... When did I become this guy?  It's not a bad thing, just a bit surreal.

     Whenever something good happens in my life I wish she was here to see it.  I like to think that she would be proud of me, of the man that I have become.  I know I've made some really disastrous decisions, but those mistakes are necessary.    They have been life lessons that have taught me that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I ever give myself credit for, and that I am capable of amazing things once I set my mind to it. 

      Every day I write in my personal journal, and always write down at least one thing I am grateful for.  Sometimes that's all I write but still it keeps me grounded, reminds me that even when life sucks that something good happens every day.  Tonight I have a lot to be grateful for.   I'm grateful for my mother, who taught me that you don't need to depend on anyone else to make you happy, and that if you want something bad enough then fight for it.  She may not be here with me in person, but her legacy lives on.   I'm grateful to E, who taught me that I deserve somebody in my life that is way better and treats me nicer than he ever did.  I'm grateful to the friends that saw who I was even before I realized it myself... for the courage I had to basically start life all over and move on from the negativity.  But most of all, I'm grateful for the opportunity to live each day... and maybe one day I will find somebody who loves me like I need...

JBR