Sunday, November 28, 2010

I'll Remember

            It's the end of another week, and my brain is completely fried.  It was an endless stream of long days at work, my gym routine, and not nearly enough sleep.  So now it's Sunday night, and I am sitting at my kitchen table, drinking really good tea and just reflecting on the week that was mostly uneventful, until something happened...     I was going through some photos, and I cam across this...

This is in Fontanelle, Iowa, where my mom is, and I haven't been able to go back.... but seeing this picture brought on so many emotions and it actually kind of surprised me with how i reacted.
            You see, the thing is that this time of year is always really hard on my soul.  My mom was INSANE about the holidays, especially Christmas.  When I was growing up, it was always this grand spectacle of lights and shine and sheer excitement.  She had a flair for the dramatic, and each year was always better than the last.  Five years ago, she left this world, and took a piece of me with her.  I still remember that first Christmas, just 6 weeks after her death.  I remember sitting in my car, parked in the driveway of my parents house, willing myself to have the courage to go inside where my dad and aunt and brother were waiting to unwrap the gifts.  It all seemed so unfair, and at the same time pointless.  Why were we even trying to put on this charade of being a happy family when the one person that brought us together was gone?  Well, somehow I made it through the day, just like I've made it through every day since.  She's still with me everyday, and sometimes the pain is as real as it was five years ago.

             This year I have decided to stop the cycle, to start celebrating the holiday again.  My mom would have wanted the tradition to carry on.  So, that's what I'm doing.  I'm letting her spirit live on through me.  So this year brings decorating a tree, buying gifts, baking cookies that we know I won't eat, and remembering the woman that helped make me who I am today.